Important blogging topics

I previously blogged about weight loss, political issues, sicknesses and in an earlier blog...poop. All topics were of utmost reading importance, but today is probably the only issue worth writing about.
Family.
I have all my family at home with me now....such an event rarely happens. And with the exception of a few rare moments, the promised time when they really LIKE each other has arrived. For years, as one kid or another told me how much they hated a sibling or two, I told them that one day they would be friends. I PROMISE, I said.
And it finally happened.
All of the kids in one house, sharing rooms, sleeping on floors, sofas and blow up beds....eating together, sharing bathrooms AND they are nice to each other. They are going out together. They are talking together.
I got the best present of all...Peace on my part of the earth and good will towards men.
Merry, happy and most definitely, good.

to blog or not

I have found out that I am most definitely not a blogger. I am seldom on the computer for anything social, and therefore can't imagine that anyone would have any reason to want to read about me.

None the less....today I have my Diane home from the Coast Guard for a week. I believe they own her while she is in active duty, so I thank the Guard for lending her to me for a week.

Last night of Hanukkah! We did not burn down the house, but had about 168 candles burning brightly. They even flickered like electric candles...go figure.

Lu comes in on Tuesday and Hugo on Thursday.

I have NOT finished my Christmas shopping. I have NOT decorated our tree. I have NOT made any christmas cookies.

I will finish the present I am making for Maggie...

On a separate note... my poor Lucky (unlucky if you ask me) has a ruptured disc and is in pain...crying pain.

So sad...it breaks my heart to see him hurting. So I went and bought a crate to put him in so he would move less and hurt less, but then it breaks my heart to see him crated and missing all the fun. Sigh....

relief

I hate fleas....truly.
Why do we still have fleas on these dogs? Exactly how much frontline, advantage, flea spray ...can one use?
Little tiny creatures climbing over my arms....I just changed the damn sheets and again...another flea.
Admittedly, they are moving slower as we approach winter. I can actually catch them on the dog. It's rather like flea hunting in s l o w motion. Die flea, die.
I think we are....

and now we take a commercial break to read my conversation with my jojo! She is home from the hospital and feels like she was hit by a mac truck! Which means she is feeling...so...its all good!

thannk you so much for my box of fun treats
awww...you got them
got them yesteday before i left
im glad...
you home?
yes
feel good?
as of a few hours go
just dont let the dog lick your head
hes gonna want to lick your head so bad
no. feel lke i was hit by a mc truck
mac truck
ummm...you were hit by a mac truck
but Ill get there
i know
pretty much...
how are you
tonight i feel good..just got over a icky poopy and diarrheaic illness
but im all better tonight
uh that's the worst
how is the diet thing gign
yea..i win...
i had to stop the diet
i didnt poop for over 2 weeks
i stopped losing weight
woahh
tht's dangerous
my body stopped absorbing fluid...just went straight out of me
yea..im eating normally
K didn't poop for two weeks either
wsn't fun whne it finlly happened
i definitly understand that
and then i got the shits and didnt leave the bathroom for more than 20 min at a time in 36 hours
absolutely amazing
shit is a fun subject
one can feel like shit
bet you lost weight then
like you
one can not shit, and then feel like shit, like you
or one can not stop shitting and feel like shit, like you
so it all comes down to feeling like jojo after surgery
i'm bloated/constipated agakn stjpid narcotics'
exactly
thank g-d for stupid narcotics
shit jojo..had you come home earlier, i could have given you my shitty virus
then you would be flowing
so my luk
luck
sigh.....
just tell me when you want me to come and visit and bring you jocularity
we can talk about poop if you like
what is jocularity
humor

dark night..mare

I absolutely dread tonight. Tonight is Jon's big "Dark Night" production. He's written a play and it's being produced. Everyone in the family is supposed to be there....
but
I am sicker than a
normal sick person.
Mesfin is sicker than a
sick dog.
Allen has to go to a dedication at Piedmont hospital and may not make it on time.
Haley has to print her final project. She will be at school until midnight.
Steph is steph....
I have no clue who will be there for him.
He will be mad for years over this one.
I am too sick to try to make it. I can't get more than 30 feet from a toilet. Its like a really bad idea.
A super bad idea.

c-

I certainly don't earn an A with this blogging stuff. I can't imagine anyone being interested enough in my day to day musings to write every few minutes.
I'm on my bed, I'm in my kitchen, I ran into an old boyfriend, I went grocery shopping.

Today I have a few things to say. Important things.

http://current.com/items/91455495_ashley-payne-georgia-school-teacher-fired-for-photos-on-facebook.htm

A teacher was fired in Georgia for posting LEGAL activities on her facebook page. WTF? She is over 24 and has a few photos of herself and a glass of one sort of alcohol or another. Who gives a rats ass? Honestly. She is allowed to drink. Does anyone honestly think that teachers don't drink? Perhaps they are like tv personalities prior to Archie Bunker and don't use the toilet either.
And OMG...she went to Bitch Bingo. It's a legal advertised activity. Do people think that their high school students have never read or seen the word BITCH? Is that nasty word not used regularly in modern music? In music vids? In the mooovies????
Since when is a person fired for doing what is legal to do and allowing people to know that they are doing legal activities? Seems like a farce.
According to records, her students rate far ahead of the average in the system. Perhaps we should worry more about illiterate teachers and not so much about teachers who teach well...even if they are moral and live according to the law!

She blogs again!!!!!

She blogs....

I walked the 5 miles around Stone Mountain today to compensate for the 2 pumpkin pancakes I had at IHOP. Screw this optifast crap.

I didn't lose another pound during the second week; I actually gained one pound; my body turned gray; my intestines stopped (remember the joke about the asshole, well it's accurate); i looked and smelled like death; and did I mention that I didn't lose another pound!?!

So again, screw this optifast diet.

I began eating real food again, and the weight once again started to drop.

So I was at the dentist's office and met a woman who was going to an acupuncturist for weight loss treatments. I think to myself, "why not?" She said she lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks with needles and herbs. So I call the miracle worker and make an appt.

As she is sticking needles all over my head, ears, arms, fingers, legs and feet, I ask, "how does acupuncture work for weight loss." She says (and I kid you not), "if you are in less pain, you will exercise more." Duhh. Then I ask, "well, how does acupuncture work for pain reduction." She answers (and I kid you not)," the pain gets transferred from one area to another so you don't feel it in the same area." Well...just stomp on my damn foot for that one. I don't need 35 needles poking out of my skin for that one. She then leaves me in a room with soft chinese music on to "relax" with 35 fu***** needles sticking me in every imaginable piece of skin she could find. RELAX??????

Needles to say, I cancelled my next two appointments. I won't mention that I had holes in my skin for the next 4 days and scabs on my ears.

And stupidly I made an appt for Monday because she INSISTED that it DOES help and I WILL feel better. Am I gullible?

No...just dreaming and hoping for a magic miracle.

week 1

Figures....average weight loss on week one is 10-14 pounds and I maxed out at 6. Sigh....

sexy me

I've only eaten 660 calories today and Allen says that I went off my diet. I ate a Healthy Choice soup for 180 calories rather than a chemically created tomato 160 calorie concoction created by Optifast...go figure. I didn't even have my last 160 calorie shake of the night....too tired to drink any more chemicals tonight. That left me 140 calories ahead.....I ate LESS than I was supposed to.

Sheesh....

Tomorrow, after a morning jaunt around the mall parking lot (1.4 miles each time around) I shall take out the paints and work on my masterpiece. I will paint on this canvas until my diet is over and I am a sexy, svelt and tall woman in a size 3 and stiletto heels. Damn I'll be hot!

Jail

Grey is still incarcerated. He keeps telling me he is a good bird...but I know better. My ear still hurts and my favorite sweater still has a hole in it.

My niece, Pam, was not incarcerated. Rather, she was given a hefty fine, probation and community service. Made far more sense than putting her in jail. She wouldn't stand a chance against hardened criminals like my bird.

My son, the one with audacity, wrote and apologized to me. He found his own way to school today. I think today will be a better day.

jungle tales

I spent this morning at the courthouse with my niece, Pam, who was up on a few charges and was terribly afraid the powers that be were going to send her back to jail. Jail sux and it is not a place anyone wants to go and spend, say, 7 years. The DA, in her intense wisdom, thought that possession of 2 valium was criminal enough to spend 7 years in jail. Sounds fair to me..with heavy drug dealers, child molesters, murderers...you know...
"And what are you in for?"
"Murder. You?"
"um....I'd rather not say."
Can you imagine living in prison for 7 years because you had 2 valium in your possession? I think I would be in jail for life for the meds that I have transported across parking lot lines.

I found out today that it is illegal to transport or hold in your possession, any medication that is prescribed for someone else, even if you are picking up a prescription from the pharmacy for a relative (such as an under aged child who is terminally ill and in hospice care in your home). Go figure...you actually have to bring the child to the pharmacy for you to be legally able to carry the med home to him or her. It is also illegal for the pharmacist to sell that medication to you without the said person intow. Imagine the over crowding in the jails all those pharmacists would cause. ("and what are you in for?")("drug trafficking!!!!)

Go figure.

Ok..the fun part of the day was finding out that I achieved infamy in the Gwinnett County courthouse. Fourteen years ago I went to court with the same said niece. She was in front of Judge Weingarden. He is known for his unyielding stances (and being 'hard on crime'). Since Pam had no lawyer, she looked at me with pleading eyes when asked what her plea was....guilty or not, she hemmed and hawed until I raised my hand and asked to "approach the bench." The judge yelled out..."Who are you and why are you disturbing my court? Do you realize that I could hold you in contempt?" I very quietly answered, "I'd rather you not." After identifying myself as said niece's aunt, and introduced the entourage that followed me...the therapist, the boss, the doctor, the head of the alcohol recovery group....he instructed us to approach the bench. I was given permission to talk and then Judge Weingarden sent her back to jail. Fortunately he didn't send me to jail with her....I was wondering though.

Apparently I had audacity and my hand raising stunt was spread all over the courthouse and made me infamous for years! Read on to see the consequences of audacity in my jungle!

I also came home today to a bird who pretended to want attention so that I would take him out of his cage. Once on my shoulder he bit a huge hole in my shirt and then when chastized, bit the snot out of my ear. He is a bad bird and I incarcerated him for the duration of the night. Assault is a worthy crime to be jailed for.

I then enjoyed about a half hour with my uptight son insulting me. When I finally told him to be gone from my presence...he called me a fu****. I got back at him and now have custody of his car keys. I hope it rains beyond sheets tomorrow so that he can walk his ass down to the local satellite bus location to get to school. I still have power and will use it....just call me Elsa.

I love being a parent. I love my children...I do I do.

I love that I can take car keys and cause miserable inconvenience and all they have then is the audacity to call me a fu****. Audacity sux when you are a kid in my jungle. Mom rules!

sadness

I am down 6 pounds. Amazing. I still want to bite into a nice juicy anything. I am soooooo hungry and it is not improving.

I went to a funeral today. A good friend of my daughter, Stephanie's, mother. So sad. I sat next to my daughter thinking, perhaps if I lose the weight, I will live forever and she will not have to go through this anguish. I was only 24 when my mom passed on. Way way too hard. A girl needs her mom until she is old and gray herself. There just aren't enough food mom's on the planet to go around.

sigh.

Success

I got on the scale today and am 4 pounds down! Yes...I know it's most likely water weight. But honestly...who cares? Something is coming off of my body!
I am hungry and rather bitchy (ok, truthfully a LOT bitchy) ALL the time. How do people remain hungry and not kill the people that live in their web? Web...freudian there...I mean house. Spouses beware!

I cleaned the second floor ledges above the built ins yesterday. There was an accumulation of about 5 months of assorted bugs...flies, gnats, mosquitoes, spiders, other crawling and flying decomposing insects and one beautifully preserved grasshopper. That must have been one amazingly athletic grasshopper. The point is, i am doing insane and dangerous things while hungry. I am climbing very high ladders to clean. It was a perfectly good insect cemetery and now it is a designer house-like ledge. Selah. I also, while up on a ladder two-stories high, killed a spider. Yes, me....the woman who made a trail of sugar to allow the ants to find their way back outside to avoid killing them, killed not one, but two spiders that were happily still alive in the insect cemetery. Hunger has driven me to do things that I never do.

I personally have loved spiders ever since reading Charlotte's Web. I avoid killing them at all costs, believing in some small iota of my brain, that one day THAT very spider might save my life or the life of someone I love.

I went to bed hungry. I woke up hungry. They say that day three is better. Today is day three, so we shall see. If I resort to killing anything larger than a small spider, it will be time to worry.

cheers

hungry yet?

"Already a dieting psychobitch?" he asks.
Enough said.

fat chat

jojo: your blog is entertaining
I didn't know you went to texas
me: lol....
yes i did
how are you feeling
pretty good. just a little sore and tired.
seriously. only you.
im very grouchy
that's because you're hungry
oh yea
duh
most people are grouchy when they're hungry
most people can't live on 900 calories.
i wil be hungry for 7 more weeks and 6 days
im on 800
i will die
i knew it
stupid husband
what happens then?
do you get to have 850?
why cant i be happily married to some fat latino
who loves fat women
you can. dump the doctor and stop by the gas station by shallowford.
there are a lot there.
lol....
you are soooo right
you could have your pick
and if i get much hungrier, i may just do that
I could see that.
so what happens in slightly less than 8 weeks?
id have a happy short life eating as much as i wanted
im down with day one
well it really is quality over quantity
so i only have slightly under 8 week sless
if i dont lose at least 5 pounds a week...im dumping this for some more reasonable plan
what are you doing for the 8 weeks
optifast
what the hell is that
its a doctor supervised weight loss drink
comes in choco, strawberry and vanilla
and that's all you have?
and i halso have packets of tomato soup
yes
thats all i have
does it taste like shit
no...its actually ok if made right
who is your doctor supervising it
with crushed ice and benefiber
well...i should be at the bariatric center
but instead you're having your husband supervise you?
but there is no way in hell that i am going to support sessions all week listening to fat people talk about being hungry
hahahaha
Lgood call.
what do they serve you at those meetings anyway
no...im having my bloods drawn on schedule and going to the diabetes guy
packets of tomato soup
water
just water with crystal lite if you want it
shit
id rather drink urine
hhaha
so you're supposed to lose 5 lbs a week?
i have no clue
says average weight loss is 52 pounds
it doesnt say how long that takes
OPTIFAST requires that you see one of our physicians who will monitor you through the program. This program is for patients who need to lose 50 pounds or more. Average weight loss is 7 to 14 pounds the first week and 3 to 7 pounds each additional week. OPTIFAST has an excellent track record two and five years after completing the program.
interesting.
we shall see
aint no way in hell ill lose 14 pounds
maybe I can do it for a week and lose the last 7 lbs I want to lose
i think thats for peoplie who start at 400 pounds and who were eating like a pig before
probably.
which has never been you
if you gain weight on this can I have permission to laugh
pretty please
i dont think it refers to people like me who were on 1000 calories and on a weight loss program alread
probably not.
if i gain weight on it...we will both get up and do stand up comedy with my shirt off
AWESOME
oooh we can do an act about my head too
sounds like a plan
people would pay to see us.
you take your hair off
ill take my shirt off
and we will both mock donald and get far more laughs than he ever got
because we are far funnier anyway
and thus the conversation goes.....

It's Here!

I came home last night to a huge box filled with weeks and weeks worth of optifast! Chocolate and strawberry shakes and tomato soup. Woohoo! I had my last meal....a wonderful Indian dinner of baingan bharta and rice, a combination late meal feast and mourning meal. I will revisit Indian food in 8 weeks. Sigh.

One optifast tasty shake down and only 279 left to go before I am svelt and sexy. Not too bad actually. One packet of delicious chocolate powdery chemical filled stuff, 2 tbs of luscious benefiber and 8 oz of sparkling clean filtered water and crushed ice making a smooth cool chocolate shake. Every dieter's dream!

I read through the information from the Emory Bariatric clinic. I shall quote, "It's always helpful to know what to expect when making a change in your life. Listed below are the physiological and psychological changes you might experience during your first weeks on the program..."

"fatigue, dizziness, dry mouth, headache, food cravings, bad breath, dry skin, brittle nails or hair loss, muscle cramps, frequent urination, constipation, diarrhea (a bit oxymoronic don't you think?), minor illnesses and (the best one)...... other (please refer to the informed consent materials provided)(if that doesn't scare the shite out of you??)

All I can say is, "I can't wait!"

Now...the following pages have suggestions for activities to participate in to avoid eating. Mountain climbing is a great suggestion. Like THAT is going to happen. But my current activity that is keeping me very occupied is fighting the flea jungle. My dogs are walking flea factories. I can not get rid of these horrible eternally frustrating creatures. Why they were created in the first place is truly a mystery. They serve no earthly purpose other than to make the manufacturers of Frontline and Advantage, rich.

Suggestions please? I have sprayed the yard with two types of insect killers every 3 weeks throughout the summer. I have used Frontline and Advantage on all the animals. I have given them flea baths weekly. I have sprayed the carpets and bedding. I have had the carpet cleaning, super deep cleaning men, come out to my house and clean all the carpets. Twice. I have flea combed the dogs daily, never finding fewer than 20 fleas combined on the dogs. I have tried herbal and chemical methods on ALL surfaces. What the hell...o are these fleas eating to keep them alive? If humans drink from the flea fountain of life and youth, would we live forever as well?

I just checked. I still have all my hair. My nails are still intact. I do not have diarrhea. I am not any dizzier than I usually am. Vomiting was not in the list. It is most likely the side effect that I will experience. Having a very hard time keeping this optifast down.

sigh.

Oprah

Ok...so I can't quite wait until tomorrow.

I went to the movies today. Yes...I wasted an entire 108 minutes watching Zombieland. I thought it would be a safe place to escape fat talk. I thought I could sit..eat a veggieburger and rest for a few minutes. 108 to be exact. Well, first, there is no safe place from fat jokes. Not even in Zombieland.

For those of you who have not yet taken the time to see this amazing film, I shall enlighten you as to the basic plot. Zombies, people who have become carnivores because of a virus, have taken over the world. There are only a few known survivors. In order to survive there are a set of rules the main character comes up with. Rule 1: Cardio!

Of course one of the first scenes is a fat guy running away from the Zombies. Because he is fat and out of shape, he is immediately caught and eaten. Rule number 1....cardio! And then, of course again, there is the scene with 4 zombies, all dead, laying on the floor with their ginormous bellies sticking up in the air.

I ordered meds for my Gabby last night. I will tell you about Gabby another day. I had to go to the grocery store to pick up her medications. My kids insist they have to eat. Even though I don't get to eat real food for the next 8 weeks or so, they want real food. Unfair as it is, I had to shop around the entire store finding foods for these ravenous beasts. They will complain no doubt, as I bought nothing of junk value. Nothing from the sugar, fat or salt groups. Deal kids.

I get to the checkout. Exactly how many tabloids and magazines sit there with really good looking food, with really skinny women, with really skinny women with their really fat before pics, with really fat women with their weight gain? There is way too much interest in body fat. And then there's the National Examiner.....Oprah at a dangerous 290 pounds. She says she no longer cares! OPRAH@!!!!!! You are the weight loss goddess. You are the optifast guru. So do I cancel my optifast or try it anyway?

It begins

So my husband tells me he thinks that I am compromising my longevity by remaining fat. He says that I am statistically in the "you are in deep shit" category. What better way to spend these years than sharing them with the world.

I'm fat. That's the main issue that bothers him. America is fat. We fat people are going to ultimately bankrupt America with all the illnesses that we have made epidemic.

Ok...so I'm fat. I'm diabetic. I have heart disease. I had cardiac bypass surgery at 41 years old. I am now 49 years old and still kicking. I am on massive quantities of medications. In fact, I have a crafting bead box filled with all the medications that the doctors have me on. I will take a picture and place it on this blog to prove that a person can live with a rainbow of multi-shaped pills. I take another handful of vitamins and supplements that are supposed to fix my maladies.

I went to the famous Cooper Clinic in Dallas, Texas. I was told that EVERYONE loses weight at the Cooper Clinic. So I went. I had great dreams of coming home thin. Or at least thinner. HELL...O NO! I gain 3 pounds. They say to me..."You must have been cheating. No one gains weight here." "Oh must I?" I respond. I did not cheat one iota. I ate what they gave me. I went to the gym. I walked miles every night. I still gained weight. I told them if they fed me like they were (at 1400 calories a day) I would gain weight. Well DUH!

I have been dieting my entire life. I have been fat my entire life. I finally decided to see exactly what it took for me to lose weight. I started at 1400 calories. I gained weight. Well...what does one call a person who repeats an action expecting a different result the next time? Duh. I tried 1300 calories. Um. Same result. I tried 1200 calories. I stopped gaining. I lost nothing. I went down to 1100 calories. Nothing. I went down to 1000 calories. Yay! Weight loss. 1/2 pound in one week. Now THAT type of success is truly gonna keep things going. Finally at 900 calories...checking every bite that went into my mouth, caused normal weight loss.

Have you ever tried to eat only 900 calories day in and day out????? Do you have any idea how hungry that makes a person???? Do you have any idea what a hungry lioness acts like in the jungle????

Well...that is my first post. I am waiting, very impatiently (NOT) for optifast to arrive at my front door. I am going to try this incredibly low calorie liquid diet. I just can't wait.

More tomorrow.